This is the story that I handed in as my 4 page short story. I need help fixing it so I have decided to work shop it today. It came from my party scene prompt story and I extended it into 4 pages. You guys may recognize some of it because I think I read the 2 page version of it in class once. I really need your help and input guys. One of the comments that I recieved is that it's a good scene but it's not quite a story. I want to find a way to fix that without taking away the mystery and vagueness that I was going for in the story.Thanks!
Search Party
As I approached, the first odor that hit my nose was stale beer and the thumping of the speakers inside sounded like a heartbeat. It was a brisk fall day that called for a jacket and I slowly walked to the front door of the large house. When I opened it, music hit me like some unseen force; I almost fell backward.
The first room I entered was lit in a dim orange glow and I noticed empty plates and bags of chips in randomness, along with empty cans and bottles. There was a dark spot on the rug, it could have been soda or vomit, and a large pile of coats on a couch.
"Yo man! You coming out back?" A large muscular boy of about 17 appeared in the door frame in front of me and I jumped at the unexpected voice. The light coming from behind him was bright and I could not make out his face.
"Neh," was the mumble that I did not expect to hear on my right. I turned to see that the pile of coats on the couch had moved. The shadow in the door frame disappeared quickly and, as my heartbeat returned to normal, I began to wonder what was "out back."
I moved through the war-like living room toward the kitchen. The light coming through the doorway was much more white than the first room. I had to squint my eyes as I walked through and, when they adjusted, I saw five or six pizza boxes stacked up on the counter. My clairvoyance told me they were empty without even looking inside of them. From the window behind me I heard the sound of a ping pong ball bounce off a table. Almost immediately after the first, I heard another. My earlier question was answered and I knew what I’d find "out back.:"
Looking around again, I got a chill and realized how ghost-like this house was. It almost seemed as if every party-goer had been abducted 10 minutes before I arrived and all that was left were the memory of their voices. I shook off the feeling and exited the kitchen through a doorway on my right. I ended up next to a set of stairs that led down and in front of me was a door that led "out back," or so I assumed. I heard more ghosts coming from the bottom of the stairs and I decided that outside might be a better place to try first. I turned the door knob and the large white door creaked open. I stepped out onto a wooden deck and I finally saw some life. There were floating heads down on the lawn, their bodies were cut off by the deck, and I decided not to mess with them. Next to me was a large, blue bucket full of floating beer cans and ice and beside the bucket there was a circle of teens around something, a keg I assumed. I couldn’t see their faces, but I didn’t recognize any of them.
I turned around and headed back into the kitchen, ignoring the basement for now. I decided to try the direction I didn’t go in before. I walked straight through the kitchen, the orange room was to my left and a new doorway with a flickering blue light was in front of me. I entered the dark room and saw a movie playing on the big screen TV. Two girls were sleeping in awkward positions on the couch opposite the TV with their hair covering their face. I assumed they were not quite "sleeping." I scanned the rest of the dark room and noticed there was another girl in the reclining chair. I had to take a closer look at her, but I didn’t know who she was.
I didn’t want to go in the basement so I went back in the orange room and took out my cell phone. No service. Behind the couch with the pile of jackets, there was a staircase leading up. It couldn’t hurt to check it out so, slowly avoiding the talking coats, I headed up the stairs. It was dark in front of me and I got another chill. The creaking of my feet on the steps was not very comforting either.
The door in front of me was small and I could hear that someone was exorcizing their stomach contents on the other side. It sounded like a male. The door to my right was wide open and the room was dark. I could make out a large white bed, but I detected no movement.
I turned to my left and headed down the narrow hallway. I passed another closed door on my right and I could hear ghoulish moans and groans coming from inside. I laughed to myself and went toward the door in front of me. It was a welcoming sight because a warm light was coming from the cracked opening. I stopped in front of the door and slowly pushed it open. I poked my head over the threshold and beheld a girl sitting on a pink bed.
She was not just any girl though. She looked as if she had been through too much in one night. Her hair appeared stringy and covered half of her face, and although she was sitting up, I couldn’t tell if her eyes were open or not. Her dark makeup had expanded around her eyes and her lips looked pale and chalky. I stepped into the room.
The girl did not move, so I crept toward the bed. I was scared. Her chest was moving up and down, so I knew she was not dead. I slowly leaned toward her and put my hand on her arm. She jumped, but did not open her eyes. I wrapped my hand around the milky white limb and tightened my grip. Taking in a deep breath, I shook her and she opened her eyes.
The look I saw on her face was a mixture of fear and anger and I quickly backed away. She said nothing and closed her eyes again. I knew I needed to save her, but I knew she did not want to be saved. "Come with me." I whispered. She responded by quickly rolling her eyes into her head.
I knew I had to get her out now, and since she was skeletal and half my size, I decided to pick her up. I figured she wouldn’t like it. She fought me a little but soon gave in and slumped against my body. A rush came over me and I swiftly moved out of the room, back down the hallway, and down the stairs. I saw a familiar jacket in the living pile and quickly grabbed it. I flipped it over the girl in my arms and headed for the large front door.
The chill in the air woke her up and she looked at me in a demonic way. I couldn’t get to my keys so I had to put her down in the grass. I dug around in my pocket, pulled them out, unlocked the car, and flung open the passenger side door. I turned back to the body in the grass, grabbed her wrists, and pulled her into a standing position. She looked at me again as I stuffed her in the car. I walked around to the other side and got in. As I started the engine, the blast of heat made the girl more aware. She slowly turned her head to her left and our eyes met.
"Do I need to take you to the Hospital?" My own voice sounded distant and unfamiliar.
She grunted and slowly moved her head from left to right.
"I’ll just take you home then," I replied. She nodded once and closed her eyes. "If you don’t die in your sleep..." I added. She glanced at me sideways with her eyes half open. "You’re going to die when you wake up." This comment made her face twist into what I assumed was an expression of confusion. I answered her in five simple words. "Mom’s going to kill you."
To be completely honest with everyone, I do not have a favorite literary website. I sat in front of my computer trying to think of one, but ended up just watching the Karate Kid, which happens to be on AMC right now. Then, when I snapped out of my Ralph Macchio trans, I realized that everything and anything can be literature. I agree with Melanie completely on this one.
